WOA Humor

HUMOR PAGE

( A Laugh Per Day Keeps The Doctor Away)

Please submit a humorous story or joke to the Cyberkal webmaster for possible inclusion on this page. All submissions will be reviewed for acceptable content prior to inclusion. Selections will be limited due to the large number of humor received. Thank you. Submit to woa@cyberkal.com
"Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects."

How to tell if you were a Flight Attendant - Submitted by Louella Wiseman 11/10/2006

1. You can eat a four course meal standing at the kitchen counter
2. You search for a button to flush the toilet
3. You look for the "crew line" at the grocery store
4. You can pack for a two week trip to Europe in one roll-aboard
5. All your pens have different hotel names on them
6. You NEVER unpack
7. You can recognize pilots by the backs of their heads-but not by  their faces
8. You can tell from 70 yards away if a piece of luggage will fit in the  overhead bin
9. You care about the local news in a city three states away
10. You can tie a neck scarf 36 ways
11. You know at least 25 uses for air sickness bags-none of which pertain to vomit
12. You understand and actually use the 24-hour clock
13. You own 2 sets of uniforms: fat and thin
14. You don't think in "months" - you think in "bid packs"
15. You always point with two fingers
16. You get a little too excited by certain types of ice
17. You stand at the front door and politely say, "Buh-bye, thanks,
have a nice day" when someone leaves your home
18. You can make a sentence using all of the following phrases: "At this time," "For your safety," "Feel free," and "As a reminder"
19. You know what's on the cover of the current issues of In Touch,
Star, and People magazines
20. You stop and inspect every fire extinguisher you pass, just to make
sure the "gauge is in the green"
21. Your thighs are covered in bruises from armrests and elbows
22. You wake up and have to look at the hotel stationery to figure out  where you are
23. You refer to cities by their airport codes
24. Every time the doorbell rings you look at the ceiling
25. You actually understand every item on this list

Dept. of the Army Regulations For Operation Of Aircraft Commencing January 1920
Submitted by Paul Maier - 8/2/2006
1. Don't take the machine into the air unless you are satisfied it will fly.

2. Never leave the ground with the motor leaking.

3. Don't turn sharply when taxiing. Instead of turning sharp, have someone lift the tail around.

4. In taking off, look at the ground and the air.

5. Never get out of the machine with the motor running until the pilot relieving you can reach the motor controls.

6. Pilots should carry hankies in a handy place to wipe off goggles.

7. Riding on the steps, wings, or rail of the machine is prohibited.

8. In case the engine fails on takeoff, land straight ahead regardless of obstacles.

9. No machine must taxi faster than a man can walk.

10. Never run motor so that blast will blow on other machines.

11. Learn to gauge altitude, especially on landing.

12. If you see another machine near you, get out of the way.

13. No two cadets should ever ride together in the same machine.

14. Do not trust altitude instruments.

15. Before you begin a landing glide, see that no machines are under you.

16. Hedge-hopping will not be tolerated.

17. No spins on back or tail sides will be indulged in as they unnecessarily strain the machines.

18. If flying against the wind and you wish to fly with the wind, don't make a sharp turn near the ground. You may crash.

19. Motors have been known to stop during a long glide. If pilot wishes to use motor for landing, he should open the throttle.

20. Don't attempt to force the machine onto the ground with more than flying speed. The result is bounding and ricocheting.

21. Pilots will not wear spurs while flying.

22. Do not use aeronautical gasoline in cars or motorcycles.

23. You must not take off or land closer than 50 feet to the hangar.

24. Never take a machine into the air until you are familiar with it's controls and instruments.

25. If an emergency occurs while flying, land as soon as possible.

Some More Humor - Submitted by friend Don Blair - 6/6/2006

I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us, "Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you make."

Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friend's house. Knowing his sweet tooth, Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake.""No, but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without asking."

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a committee.

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses. AMEN !!!!!!!!

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one. AMEN X 2

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Cockpit Humor - Submitted by Peter Furze 5/30/2006

Two men dressed in Pilots uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

Subject:A Pilots Bad Dream - Submitted by Joe Dantonio M&E

Had a dream last night, bitchy 170 lb flight attendants with ends the sizes of pack mules , non-reving, bad management,dead heading in the middle
seat, mergers, seniority, all-nighters, no food,bad coffee, bidding,fleabag hotels, vacation, waiting for gates,weather, low approaches, PC's,
PT's, weak check airman, medicals, driving to work, commuting to and from work, spring break, Christmas, Easter, insurance,
gas, electric bills, lawn service, cant drink, drug and alcohol testing, dry cleaning, security, TSA,Terrorism, high gas/oil prices, IRS, rush hour
traffic, that d#mn alarm clock, crash pads, co-pilot's that tell you are a bit high and fast and she/he puts the frick-en speed breaks out 80 miles
from the airport at 5000' when you are trying to get your commute flight home, flight attendants and co-pilots telling you they are senior after being
there 3 years, cell phone's, bidding every d#mn month, then I woke up and found myself still
retired. grin.

Life in 2006 - Submitted by Captain Johnny Wiseman 1/12/2006

When we hit retirement age we come face to face with the fact that it may be time to relocate. The big question is: where to? Here are some tips. Submitted by Joe Dantonio 12/13/05

1. You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....
You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found some shade. :-)

2. You can learn to open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel.

3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.

5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.

6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities.Picture lingerie ads

7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2 The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.

3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

4. You know how to eat an artichoke

5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long

it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You can Live in New York City where...
\

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan

2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building

3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus

Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

4 You think Central Park is "nature,"

5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language

makes you multi-lingual.

6. You've worn out a car horn.

7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for moose.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2."y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from ' round here, are Ya?"

4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.

5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean,

MARY BETH, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops

at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say,"It was different!"

AND You can live in Florida where...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people, who can't see nor hear, but they still can get a driver's license

3/17/05 - Murphy's Laws Of Computer - Submitted by Joe Dantonio M&E

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

Rain Changes in Los Angeles - Submitted by F/A Ursula Biloschaetzke on 2/26/2005

Due to the recent record setting deluge, there have been a few geographical and legislative changes necessitated in the greater Los Angeles Area. Please make a note of the following.

*Long Beach is now Short Beach. Forrest Lawn is now Forrest Lake. The Slauson Cutoff is now the Slauson Canal, however you may continue to cut off your Slauson.

*You may now legally shoot to kill anyone who asks: “Wet enough for you?”

*Take extra caution when entering city limits. Remember, unless otherwise posted, there is NO Lifeguard on Duty.

*Alternate Side of the Street Swimming is suspended until further notice.

*A house sliding downhill into a canyon has the right of way over cross-canyon traffic.

*Please, no wake boarding in hospital zones.

*The Great Seal of the State of California has drowned. Services at Forrest Lake next Tuesday.

*The Ferry to Catalina Island now leaves every hour on the hour from Beverly Hills.

*The corner of Hollywood and Vine is now Hollywood and Atlantis.

*The sands of Malibu Beach have washed down to Santa Monica Beach. Santa Monica Beach is now located in Redondo Beach. The swap includes a Sand Dune to be named later.

*In the event of flash floods, Pamela Anderson may be used as a flotation device.

*The white zone is for passenger loading and unloading. The red zone is for container ships only.

*Boogie boarding on the 101 permitted only in outermost lanes.

*Singin’ in the Rain is still permitted. Dancin’ in the rain is suspended until further notice.

Subject: Redneck Pilots - Submitted by Ford Larsen

You may be a redneck pilot if:

1. Your stall warning plays DIXIE
2. Your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.
3. You think sectionals should show trailer parks.
4. You've ever used moonshine as AVGas.
5. Your 172's wheel pants have mud flaps with a chrome silhouette of a
    reclining nude.
6. Your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
7. You've ever taxied around the airport just drinking beer.
8. You wouldn't be caught dead in a Grumman Yankee.
9. You use an old sweet mix sack as a wind sock.
10. You constantly confuse "Beechcraft" with "Beechnut."
11. You've never flown a nosewheel airplane.
12. You refer to formation flying as "We got us a convoy."
13. Your matched set of lightweight flying luggage is 3 grocery bags from
    Piggly Wiggly.
14. You have a gun rack in the rear window.
15. You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling on.
16. You figure mud and manure in your weight and balance calculations.
17. You siphon gas from your tractor to go flying.
18. You've never landed at an actual airport even though you've been flying
for over 20-years.
19. You've ever ground looped to avoid hitting a cow.
20. You consider anything over 500-ft AGL as High Altitude Flying.
21. There are parts on your aircraft labeled "John Deere."
22. You don't own a current sectional, but have all the Texaco road maps for
    your area.
23. There's a brown streak down each side of your airplane; exhaust on the
    right side and tobacco on the left.
24. You have to buzz the strip to chase off the livestock before landing.
25. You use an old parachute for a portable hanger.
26. You've ever landed on Main Streetfor a cup of coffee.
27. The tread pattern, if any, on all three of your tires is different.
28. You have a pair of fuzzy dice and some small copper shoes hanging from
the Magnetic Compass.
29. You put straw in the baggage compartment so your dogs don't get cold.
30. You've got matching bumper stickers on each side of the vertical fin.
31. There are grass stains on the tips of your propeller.
32. Somewhere on your plane, there's a bumper sticker that reads "I'd rather
    be fishing."
33. You navigate with your ADF tuned to only AM country stations.
34. You think an ultra light is a new sissy beer from Budweiser.

Cartoon Submitted by Captain Robert Lee

Subject: Truisms for Pilots...- Submitted by Jeanie Wiseman (6/04/2004)

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death . I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing! (Sign over the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan).

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore -test pilot)

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.

(From an old carrier sailor)

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, . the pilot dies.

Never trade luck for skill.

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S#$&^%!"

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; ... it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970)

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.

Some notable quotes:Submitted by Paul Maier

Keep the aeroplane in such an attitude that the air pressure is directly in the pilot's face. - Horatio C. Barber, 1916

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.-Robert Livingston, 'Flying The Aeronca'

The only time an aircraft has too much fuel on board is when it is on fire.- Sir Charles Kingsford Smith, sometime before his death in the 1920's

Just remember, if you crash because of weather your funeral will be held on a sunny day. - Layton A. Bennett

I hope you either take up parachute jumping or stay out of single-motored airplanes at night. - Charles A. Lindbergh, to Wiley Post, 1931

Never fly the 'A' model of anything. - Ed Thompson

Never fly anything that doesn't have the paint worn off the rudder pedals.- Harry Bill

Keep thy airspeed up, less the earth come from below and smite thee. -William Kershner

Instrument flying is when your mind gets a grip on the fact that there is vision beyond sight. - U.S. Navy 'Approach' magazine circa W.W.II.

The Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. - Bob Hoover

It occurred to me that if I did not handle the crash correctly, there would be no survivors. Richard Leakey, after engine failure in a single engine aircraft. Nairobi, Africa, 1993.

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it. Ride the bastard down. - Ernest K. Gann,

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at 80,000 feet and Climbing. Sign over the entrance to SR-71 operations,Kadena AB Okinawa

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. - Paul F. Crickmore,

The emergencies you train for almost never happen. It's the one you can't train for that kills you. - Ernest K. Gann, advice from the 'old pelican'

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you. - Richard Herman Jr., 'Firebreak'

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1972.

An airplane might disappoint any pilot but it'll never surprise a good one-Len Morgan

And some anonymous author quotes:To most people, the sky is the limit. To those who love aviation, the sky is home.

A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit" of an A-320. "Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV."

It only takes two things to fly -- airspeed and money.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies. If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

It's better to break ground and head into the wind than to break wind and head into the ground.

The difference between flight attendants and jet engines is that the engine usually quits whining when it gets to the gate.

A copilot is a knot-head until he spots opposite direction traffic at 12 o'clock, after which he's a goof-off for not seeing it sooner.

Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing attempt: "You've got to land here son, this is where the food is."

Received from retired Marine friend Don Blair-3/1/2004

In his book "Sled Driver," SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Although they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed. "90 knots," Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech requested the same. "120 knots," Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah,
Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout." There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."

As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "LA, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots" (that's a bit over 2,000 mph). No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
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In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet? The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it; we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.
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The old MAC pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on the instrument panel and asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly, "No, sir, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!" The navigator pulled out a .45 and placed it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?" To be honest, sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
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When Hillary Clinton visited Iraq last year, the Army Blackhawk helicopter used to transport the Senator used the call sign "Broomstick One".
And they say the Army has no sense of humor!
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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351:"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
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The pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by tower to hold short of the runway while a MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the MD80 got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."
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There's a story about the fighter pilot calling for landing priority because his single-engine jet was running "a bit peaked." Approach Control told him that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter jock remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."
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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
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Taxiing to the runway, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a hour-long wait, the engines were started and it taxiied out. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The captain was bothered by a noise he heard in one of the engines," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find another pilot."
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"United 231, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees." "Center, we're at FL310. How much noise can we make up here?"

Received this one from Jeannie Wiseman. 2/4/2004

OK, Louella:Which one of your Beannies pulled the wrong handle??

Submitted by Jeannie Wiseman-2/4/2004

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (True Story)

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound

dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the

space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to

simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to

test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the

windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and

a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken

hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed

it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the

engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of

the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Brits sent NASA

the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of

the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

You're going to love this...

NASA responded with a one-line memo -

"Defrost the chicken"

Subject: Fwd: Fw: Pilot Wisdom....Submitted by Dudley Thornton - 10/12/2003

>An airline pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.
>
>Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fireplug what it thinks about dogs.
>
>The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as a co-pilot is a co-pilot who once was a captain.
>
>Or, two flight managers giving each other a check ride.
>
>Hand-flying an ILS in a gusty crosswind is easier than adjusting the shower controls in a layover hotel.
>
>A smooth touchdown in a simulator is as exciting as kissing your own sister.
>
>Most airline crew food tastes like warmed-over chicken because that's what it is.
>
>Everything is accomplished through teamwork until something goes wrong....then one pilot gets all the blame.
>
>A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a cadaver.
>
>Standard checklist practice requires pilots to read to each other procedures used every day ...and recite from memory those needed once every five years.
>
>A crew scheduler is the type who wakes his wife at midnight to carry out the garbage, then sends her back to let the cat in.
>
>An FAA investigation is conducted by non-flying experts who take six months to itemize the mistakes made by a crew that had six seconds to do anything.